Broken Heart

My brother, Brian died a little over 3 months ago.  3 months and about a week, I guess.  I am 15 weeks pregnant today.  You do the math.  Some days, I don’t think I am strong enough to do this.  I wonder why we are even bringing a baby into this world.  Then I remember, life is for the living.  And God’s plan is never wrong.  And I don’t have to be strong enough.  Christ gives me strength.  And my family.  And my friends.  This will make me stronger, and I am not alone.

We got the autopsy and toxicology report back in the mail yesterday.  I just spent a good hour pouring over it.  I am grateful to google.com and merriam-webster.com for helping to define and clarify the words and phrases I didn’t know or understand.  And I am thankful for the “GREEN” in my personality (True Colors) that spurred me on to answer all my own questions and not to be satisfied by just reading the cold words on the page.  I learned a lot!  First, that my brother was about an inch taller than we all thought.  6’7” – tallest our family has seen in a long time.  Also, his brain was heavier than average – like we didn’t already assume that!  Heavier that Albert Einstein, but lighter than German mathematician Carl Friedrich Gauss.  And we learned that he died because of his diseased, broken heart.

The illness that he was fighting off – a cold, compounded by strep throat, led him to take OTC remedies, and the combination of the infection, the medicines, and his lifestyle were just too much for his strained heart.  There is evidence of heart disease, as well as a clot in his left coronary artery.  It was just too much.

While the report was hard for me to read, and hard to understand, I am glad I took the time to really learn about what I was reading.  The toxicology screen report was in there, too, and it came back negative for everything except the cold meds he was taking.  He was just too young.  Too young, too smart, too tenacious, too opinionated, too stubborn, too much of himself to be taken from us.  We all miss him so much.

So, how can I be strong again?  Oh yeah – Trust in Jesus, my Strong Deliverer!  The song below played on KLOVE as I drove to work this morning, and it really touched me during this difficult time.  I hope it speaks to you, too.

“I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.  I don’t have to be strong enough.” – Matthew West Strong Enough

Maintenance

main•tain verb \mān-tān, mən-\ 1: to keep in an existing state (as of repair, efficiency, or validity) : preserve from failure or decline

Merriam-Webster says it best. This week I kept [my weight] in an existing state. I totally forgot to weigh myself yesterday morning (it was Monday, after all…), so I did it this morning. I have to admit, I was a little nervous while I waited for the lights to stop flashing. But the bright orange LED number that finally displayed on the little screen between my feet was a familiar one. The same one I saw 2 weeks ago, in fact. Huh. How ‘bout that? Not a loss, but NOT a gain! It’s a small victory!

Last week was INSANE on a personal level. We had a very busy kid week, plus the taping in Edmond on Wednesday, and then Twin A got Strep Throat! But, I had a date with each of my twins over the weekend, and it was so worth it! One-on-one time with my husband is hard enough, but finding time in ALL our schedules for the one-on-one with each child is particularly hard! But, we made it happen! Friday night, Twin B and I went to see a 3D movie of her choice. She picked “Justin Bieber : Never Say Never.” I was not revolted! I had actually watched the E! True Hollywood Story on him a few months back, and was intrigued by his story, so I was piqued to see how the Big Screen told his story. My twitter / facebook status after the movie was “So, I think my new fave color is purple! I think I caught a little #bieberfever!”

Not to be outdone, Twin A’s turn to pick a 3D movie was Saturday afternoon (after her antibiotics made her feel OH SO MUCH better!), and she choose “Gnomeo & Juliet.” Again, not revolted! It was a little tedious, but there were some great one-liners, and she really enjoyed it, and that was the point, anyway! Plus, my husband got some fun kid time both days with the 2 kids I didn’t have at the time, so it was a good time of family bonding!

So, while I was maintaining my weight, I was also maintaining building up our family. I also taught the girls how to make friendship bracelets out of embroidery thread this weekend. I hope I have made memories for them that will last. I think that’s my favorite part of being a Mom!