HAPPY New Year!

WHEW!  We made it!  I am sitting in my living room, with my husband beside me, my tiny son on his chest, and my other 3 kids playing together (loudly) with Christmas presents on the floor.  Our TV is blaring a mindless game show, there are baby things scattered about, and the whole house could use a good cleaning.  And, my heart is FULL.  There have been times this past year I didn’t think I would feel this way again.  We are SO blessed and so thankful as we turn the page to 2012.  It has been QUITE a journey to get to this point, and we have been so loved by so many, we will never be able to acknowledge or repay everyone’s thoughtfulness and generosity.  Looking back (and forward, for that matter), I know we would have never made it without all of YOU, and we are eternally appreciative.  “Thank You” just doesn’t seem adequate.

As of right now, we have been home for 4 days.  As parents, Britt and I are exhausted.  We have had to learn so much about taking care of a preemie baby who is on a heart and respiration monitor, as well as oxygen.  This is much more intense than I thought it would be.  Add to that, we were advised by our NICU team to keep him on the 3 hour feed schedule for the first 2 weeks as he adjusts to his new environment.  So, we have all kinds of alarms set on our phones to make sure we are awake and we feed Finn at 5, 8, 11 and 2 – am AND pm!!!!  We are only sleeping for short periods of time…  We got home on Wednesday about noon, and the first few hours we spent just trying to get situated.  The home health guy came out later in the afternoon to set up the concentrator and to leave us with some oxygen tanks to keep up going.  I am thankful for my small house.  I only have about 30 feet of tubing from the oxygen machine to Finn.  That means, you can’t go far with him before either hooking him up to a portable oxygen tank, or moving the concentrator to another room.  I have had a few instances in the past few days where that frustrates me.  I hate having to leave him in the back of the house while I go to the front of the house, but sometimes moving his equipment just isn’t an option.  Add to that the monitor.  Its cord is only about 5 feet long.  Luckily, it can be unplugged and runs on battery, but the battery life is only about 3 hours.  If the battery gets low, it alarms.  If the leads on the baby move, it alarms; if the cords from the baby to the machine are loose or get unplugged, it alarms.  And the alarm? LOUD!  And startling.  Luckily, we have not had any “baby” alarms, just “equipment” alarms.  The machine would alarm if the baby has a problem if his heart rate was above or below a preset limit, or if he doesn’t take a breath for more than 20 seconds.  So far, we have not had any of those kinds of alarms. YAY!  Oh – and you know when else it alarms?  If you don’t turn it off “right.”  For some reason, Britt and I both have had a hard time remembering those instructions!  We have to turn it off to bathe Finn and to change the leads everyday… We’re getting better!

We have had a few “newborn” moments that we’ve had to deal with.  We have had some issues with Finn acclimating to the temperature of our home and maintaining his body temperature.  Doesn’t help that the Oklahoma weather has been crazy!  It was 70 yesterday!  But 3 days ago it was 40 and tomorrow it will be COLD.  We’ve had the heater on, nothing on but fans, and then even the A/C on yesterday.  SHEESH!  We were advised when we left the NICU to take his temperature every 3 hours to make sure he was acclimating.  After a bath on Wednesday, he was a bit cool, so, I dressed him, Britt warmed a hat and blanket in the clothes drier, and we put him down to nap dressed like that.  Next time we checked him, you guessed it, he was super warm! LOL!  This has gone the other way, too.  Had him swaddled, decided he was too hot, took off a layer, checked again later, he was too cold!  Day four (and a new thermometer) and we are finally evening out on this issue.  (We were using the same thermometer from the hospital as advised and taking his temp under his arm, but the leads from the monitor were interfering with this reading and saying he had a low temperature over and over and over, so we bought a behind the ear version and have had much better luck with it.)

The only super scary moment we have had was during the evening on Wednesday night.  Finn was sleeping in his bouncy seat, and it was time for his next temperature check / diaper change / feeding.  Britt got him out of the seat to get to work on him while I fetched a bottle (I am still pumping, but we chose to feed him from bottles to be able to keep track of his intake better).  I came in to our darkened living room, and Britt mentioned that Finn looked like he was glowing blue from the reflection from our big TV.  When he picked Finn up to cuddle him, I could see the baby didn’t look ”right.”  And he wasn’t just blue, he was GRAY!  I told Britt something was wrong with the baby, and we immediately flipped on the overhead light, and started rubbing Finn’s back.  Britt – the quick thinker between us – immediately disconnected Finn from the home oxygen concentrator machine and hooked him to an oxygen canister that was sitting nearby.  Finn immediately started to pink up, and after a few minutes, we decided to try to feed him to see if that would help.  Finn recovered from this episode very quickly, but now we had to find out WHY this happened to our precious baby.  Britt began examining all the equipment, and found that there was a loose connection on the concentrator.  Even though we discovered that, we still didn’t trust the machine, so that night Finn used one of our large canisters for sleeping.  WHEW!

Thursday, we had trouble with the machine maintaining the flow pressure.  Finn is supposed to be at ¾ of a liter. The machine kept falling down between ¾ and ½.  While we hope to wean Finn to that soon, right now as he adjusts to everything else, we want him to have ALL of the support he needs.  So, that day, we spent a lot of time on the canister as well – including overnight.  Friday, we put a call in to the home heath guy to see if he could help up with the problem.  He walked Britt through a few steps, and since then we have had no problems with the machine, and Finn has been able to spend his last 2 overnights hooked to it.  We have also moved it to new places in the house to see if that helps with the cord issues, and that has made the set up a little different, as well.  Having Finn on the machine more is good, because those large oxygen canisters are kind of pricey!  We went through 2 in 2 days!

Also on Friday, he had his first visit with our local pediatrician!  I was so pleased when we got there and the staff immediately put us in an exam room to get us out of the germy lobby.  SO thankful for that!  The exam went well, and she told us we were doing a good job and that Finn was PERFECT!  But, we already knew that.  He weighed in at 6 pounds 6 ounces!  Growing so well!  He does have 2 hernias – the obvious umbilical one as well as one in his left groin, but we will address those when he is older.  We don’t have to go back and see her for 3 weeks –unless we just need to!  Time to stay home and stay healthy.

The last 2 days have been pretty smooth, aside from the tiredness!  Emma and Lara FINALLY returned from Christmas with their other dad yesterday afternoon, and I got the first picture of all 4 kids in our home. 

They hadn’t been here an hour when they left to go to a friend’s house for a New Year’s Eve sleepover!  Social butterflies!  We are adjusting to being a complete family of 6.  We get dad home for one more day before he goes back to work.  My big kids don’t go back to school for another WEEK, so I will be with all 4 kids all day for the rest of this week.  Please pray for my patience! LOL!  It is a challenge keeping every one fed, entertained, clean and dry - and to keep reminding them not to step on, trip over, kink or otherwise disturb all the cords and wires crisscrossing our house!  But, I am so looking forward to it.  THIS is my purpose! 

Home, home, home

Such a little word, with so many meanings.  Right now, I am home.  I am in the physical dwelling where my possessions and family reside.  The place where I hang my hat.  Where my heart is.  Or at least, most of it. But, a big part of it is still 70 miles south in a darkened NICU room where my (not quite so anymore) tiny baby is waiting to come from that home to this home.  So he can be home for Christmas.  We all want to go home, and home is different for everyone.  Home from work, home from vacation, home from deployment,  home for the holidays.  HOME.  While I desperately want Finn home, it’s scary to leave the only one he’s ever known.  It’s like his birth, all over again.  Leaving a home that is safe, comfortable, reliable, and KNOWN to go to another place, that while it is safe, comfortable and reliable, it is a GREAT unknown.  A whole new set of circumstances and lessons to be learned.  A new family dynamic.  A new life that God has entrusted to US – we are so unworthy of all his blessings!

Today, we reach another milestone in the long list of NICU moments. Today, Finn’s gestational age is 36 weeks.  It’s almost funny to think I really wanted to stay on bed rest this long.  I can’t imagine STILL being in that bed.  I know I would have done it, if I could have, but God had other plans.  The last couple of days in the NICU I have heard whispers of “home.”  I had a nurse talking to me on Tuesday about signs to watch for when I am bottle feeding Finn at home.   Yesterday, my nurse asked me if we were OK if Finn had to go home on oxygen.  Later in the day, the NICU nurse manager asked me when we were going home – to which I replied, “I don’t know.  You tell me!”  The parents of our roommate asked me when we were leaving for home, and my nurse said he still has some time to serve.  But, those are all new whispers.  I am anxious to ask a doctor this weekend and see if we can narrow that down a bit.  HOME!

Meanwhile, while I am at home, I have other Mommy things to be doing.  Jake’s parent / teacher conference was last night.  We learned that while he is bright, and smart, and helpful, and caring, he has some self-control issues he needs to work on.  Like not pestering his neighbors.  Yeah, we know!  He pesters his sisters at home ALL THE TIME!  We’re working on it.  I also told his teacher he has been the baby, and treated as such, for 5 long years, and bringing Finn home may be a rude awakening for him.  While he is excited to have his baby brother home, I’m not sure Jake gets how much time and care Finn will need and how it will affect him.  Also, Emma and Lara’s 4^th grade classes are sang the Fifty Nifty states song at the Friday Assembly this morning.  It was great to be at the school and just be their mom for a minute – not worrying about a homecoming.

Finn is at a gestational age of 36 weeks today, and weighed in last night at 4 pounds 11.5 ounces. This is day 65 in the NICU.  He had 5 of his 8 feedings by bottle 2 partial by bottle, and 2 totally by gavage in the last 24 hours.  His oxygen went down slowly throughout yesterday, but is still pretty high support.  His blood work today was slightly elevated from last time, so this morning they changed the type of nasal cannula he has to see if that helps.  Depending on census in the 2 NICU wings, he may move to the “A Quad” (less critical babies – one to a room) as soon as they wean his oxygen settings some more.  After that? Home. e He

A day without you

Monday morning we woke up in a warm home, filled with life and love and people (and a GIANT Great Dane named “Morty” who just wanted to cuddle. He was HUGE! I’m not sure how you cuddle a dog that big!). My mom, Britt and I gathered in the owner’s office with a legal pad, a pen, and our spinning minds. I’ve taken many spiritual gifts tests in my life, and one that always ends up somewhere near the top is administration, so my GIFT is currently in over drive. We made lists. A list of things to get accomplished at the house today. A list of questions for his employer. A list of questions for an attorney or some sort of legal counsel. A list of things to buy at Home Depot or Lowe’s so we could start cleaning the house. A list of things to tell or ask the neighbor lady who said she would watch the house for us. A list of the people I didn’t get to on Facebook because they banned me from sending messages – thought I was a spammer I had sent so many! A list of service providers for things Brian used in his house. I finally started to feel focused and useful at this point.

We found a Home Depot not far from where we were staying and bought cleaning supplies and giant trash bags. Once back to the house, we emptied the fridge, the pantry, and both bathrooms of any consumables that would need to be thrown away. We found a brick of like 24 bars of soap that only had one missing, so I brought it back to Stillwater with me to give to my dear friend who organizes supplies for people in need. Again – nice to feel useful at this point. We worked HARD on the house all morning – looking for car titles, insurance information, his income taxes (we found a carbon of a check dated 2 more days out for the tax money he owed, but we couldn’t find the paperwork or the actual check, so we assume he mailed it…). Created 8 bags of trash and were thrilled to learn trash day was Tuesday so I could just leave it all at the curb and it would soon be gone! And my sweet husband found a set of papers that we have all clung to for the last 2 days. He found the check-out papers from the walk-in clinic Brian had visited mid-day on Friday.

We know that he checked in there at 11:35. We know his chief complaint was a sore throat and the onset was 3 days prior. We know that his temperature (98.3), blood pressure, pulse, oxygen levels and other vital statistics were WELL within all normal ranges. We know he was diagnosed with Streptococcal pharyngitis (Strep Throat) and was prescribed Amoxicillin (which was time stamped 1:03pm). The papers were beside his recliner chair – right near where the police found the Rx bottle. These papers were quite a comfort – but also raised more questions. While it was a comfort to know he was not terribly sick at the time he went (from what we can tell), it points no fingers as to what happened once he got home – which we can tell was sudden and violent. We filed the papers in the fireproof lock box we had found, and continued on with our work.

After a quick lunch at Taco Cabana – a family tradition for both my parents and the Dream Weavers when we strayed with Brian as it was close to his house, something we don’t have in Stillwater, and OH SO Yummy – we went to Irving to meet with the CEO, HR Director and a few other key employees at Brian’s work. We had a laptop of theirs to return, and they had information about life insurance, Cobra coverage for Kayleigh, final paychecks, and personal affects in his Cubicle. We got lost on the way there, which led to this tweet:

A moment of frustration for sure – my GPS and the directions the CEO had given me over the phone didn’t exactly match up, plus there was a road closed right in front of the building we were going to, and we had to go ½ a mile out of the way to get back to it. It was hot, and I was tired and dirty. But, I did the metroplex rat race for 8 years; I’ll stay in my little town to do my living! Anyway, we spent a good amount of time gleaning information from them, then they lead us to his cubicle where we got to meet some of his team members (who were all crushed, shocked and saddened), and clean out his cube. The company had just moved to this location, and all Brian had there was a Texas Rangers cup for water, a blue tooth mouse that weighs more than my head, and one lone framed picture of his sweet daughter. Even the file drawers were empty. It was depressing, really.

We were all tired, and ready to go home, so when we got back to Brian’s house, we took a load of Kayleigh’s things over to her mother’s house, then loaded up Mom’s Malibu and our Derek (Uplander van) and headed north. It was about 5:45 when we pulled out. Britt drove Derek, and I drove mom in the Malibu. Daddy was at my house in Stillwater listening to my kiddos sleep when we got in to Stillwater about 10:15. We unloaded what was staying in my garage for storage, reloaded what was going to my mom’s house into her car, and bid farewell for the evening. I was so glad to be home; we were greeted by a house that had been thoroughly cleaned by my kids and my sister-in-love (I don’t think my kitchen sink has EVER looked that good!) and filled with roses of every kind – in every room! Emma had even made our bed, and Lara put a rose on each of our pillows. So incredible and such an act of love from our family. I will NEVER forget that!

This day was long, hard, emotional, tiring, uplifting, depressing, sad, reflective, hopeful, insightful, and even FUNNY (my mom kept losing her purse – forgetting where she had set it down – and she would say “I can’t find my purse. It’s yellow” as if telling us it was yellow would make it suddenly appear. Britt took this joke and ran with it. Every time anything was said about a purse, he would holler “It’s Yellow!”), but most importantly, it was BLESSED. This whole experience had led me even closer to God, deepened my faith, and restored my resolve to shine my light for Jesus.