Raindrops and Tears

So, I didn’t make it very long in Women of Joy world. Everything was irritating me. LOL! The music was too slow, the crowd too old, the hotel room too small, the location too far away. The things I liked were hearing Sarah Palin talk about Guns, God and our Constitution; Anita Renfroe singing about husbands being sexy when they bring you a babysitter; and the company. I was doing OK last night through dinner, the singing, Sarah (who was introduced my our Governor, Mary Fallin), and the hotel stay. Even resisted the urge to head home with Britt texted me this picture of my crying son who was missing me at bedtime: This morning was tough; I was tired and missing home. We got there super early to get better seats than what we had last night, and I was not doing a good job of being a happy camper. So, when there was a break after Anita Renfroe, I made a break for it! Stillwater was calling!

Blessings: Friends who invite me to spend an entire weekend with them; Christian women’s conferences designed to lift you up; a van to take me where I want to go; a supportive family. 

The very first thing I wanted to do when I got to town was to go to the funeral home to see the room where Brian’s visitors are going. I knew the casket was in there, and I knew my mom and Britt went to decorate and personalize the space last night. And I knew the video I made was playing in the room. And I knew I had helped pick out some of the items in the room. I just needed to BE THERE. I called my husband from about 15 miles out of town and told him I was going straight to the funeral home then I would be home. He totally nixed that idea, and asked me to come straight home to our house so he could accompany me. I did, and we decided we wouldn’t be gone that long, and the 2 8-year olds could watch the 4 year old. Besides, they were supposed to be picking up sticks in the back yard and taking the Christmas lights of the deck railing (*blush* - I know, right?). We hadn’t been there 5 minutes when my phone rang, and it was Emma. The kids had managed to lock themselves out of the house. Yup. That’s right. But, it is a beautiful day, they had outside chores, and we would be back soon. We got home, and they were all still in the (fenced) back yard, so I guess it wasn’t so bad.

Blessings: A precious husband who is always there for me (and for my mom!); sweet memories of my incredible brother; cell phones; fences.

We went to lunch then needed to run a few quick errands. Unfortunately, a pity party by YOURS TRULY prevented any of that from getting done. You see, when I am tired and/or stressed, I tend to think my kids are the most annoying humans on the planet, and I lash out. Not only did the occupants of Derek (our Chevy Uplander) get the brunt of my meltdown, so did my mom who was on the phone with me at the time. OOPS! Not a pretty sight, and glad we are all past it now.

Blessings: Chick-fil-a; my adorable children who are not ALWAYS the most annoying people on the planet; meltdowns to vent emotion; forgiveness.

Britt took Jake and Emma to the OSU Spring Football Game. Lara is napping. I am pretending I don’t hear the buzzer on the washer and dryer, or the lawn mower. I just want there to be peace – which is one reason my dear husband separated our kids. Any 2 at any time or place are fine. You all the 3^rd one, and all hell breaks loose! I never liked odd numbers…

Blessings: Distractions, BEAUTIFUL Spring weather; washers, dryers and lawn mowers; even numbers

Today it is my goal to find the blessings in what is going on around me. I am sad, worn out, drained, beat down, torn up and just plain hurt. But, I am so blessed to have my family, my friends, Brian’s friends, my church, my readers, and countless others praying for and supporting me. THANK YOU ALL – you are SUCH a blessing to me in this time!

Redeemed

It is mid-day on Friday. I am about to pack an overnight back to go to the Women of Joy conference in Oklahoma City – an adventure that has been planned for some time. I look forward to hearing Sarah Palin (tonight) and Anita Renfroe (tomorrow) speak, and to spending some time with my friends. I am not sure I will make the it the whole weekend, but I am really looking forward to the change of scenery and to hear the GOOD NEWS of our Lord spoken by some amazing leaders and to sing praise and worship songs until my voice is gone. To declare that I am REDEEMED by his mercy – as are all Children of God. When I get home later this weekend, I know friends and family will have started to arrive, and I can’t wait to be a little bit refreshed and renewed for that!

The funeral home called my parents yesterday to tell them they had received the copy of the Death Certificate. We were told earlier in the week that the date of death listed on the document (so, what was run the the state death reports in the Tulsa World and Daily Oklahoman) was the date he was FOUND. So, you will see in those newspapers that it says April 10 – Sunday – the date he was found. But my parents and I firmly believe he died Friday afternoon, and we will be using the date of April 8, 2011 on anything we do.

The Cause of Death on the certificate was noted as “pending.” This means the autopsy was inconclusive, and we are waiting for the toxicology report – which could take up to 2 months. Based on what we know -- that on the walk-in clinic in-take sheet he indicated his symptoms had been present for 3 days, and the manner in which he was found – we are beginning to think it was severe sepsis. He had an infection and his organs failed him. We hope the toxicology report can help clear that up, but we also know we may never really know the cause of his death.  But no matter his cause of death, we know that he has been redeemed by our savior, and he is home.

I wanted to share the note I wrote on Brian’s Facebook wall Sunday night. I was at the bar of our friends’ home in Grand Prairie, TX, and I had just spent well over an hour notifying as many of his Facebook friends as I could (before they thought I was spamming and shut off my privileges!). Here is what I wrote:

Hey Big Brother! You sure know how to stir things up around here, huh? I picked out the clothes for your body to be buried in – a Georgia Tech polo with a Final Four logo, and some olive green khaki’s – I hope that works for you. I also found the brand new Chuck Taylor’s in the corner by the dresser and threw those in as well. I know how much you liked them while you were driving (fast), so I figured you needed them. You know, you always called me the dramatic one, especially when I did things like throw the TV remote at you, but this, Big Brother, takes the cake. Always had to do one better than me, right? I know you were greeted with many open arms and lots of love. I guess they needed you more than we did. Britt says he’s jealous; yeah, me too… Anyway, Hug our grandparents for me. And Connie. I can’t wait to see you again. And, I promise to never buy a Honda.