I. Am. Tired

I was thinking the headline would say “I. Am. FIERCE.” But, that’s really NOT how I am feeling these days.  I’m tired.  Britt is tired.  Our marriage is tired.  The only one who is not tired?  FRW!  He gets to sleep whenever he wants for as long as he wants!  ;)   At 37 and 47, and with 3 other kids, we really are too old for this.  With Emma and Lara, I was young, excited because they were my first kids, my mom lived with me for a couple of weeks to get the hang of things, and at this point in their lives (2.5 weeks old) I was still breastfeeding them, so night time feedings were long, but pretty easy.  Same with Jake.  I had a husband that was a first time dad who was SO EXCITED to help out with his son, and an easy baby who I was breastfeeding, so again, pretty easy.  Don’t get me wrong, I know those times were trying, too, but this time around, I’m just not as excited about it.  And with full bottle feeds, it is a lot of measuring, mixing, and then resulting dishes to be done.  WHEW!

But, in all seriousness, it is really going pretty well around here.  I can’t believe it has been over 2 weeks since I blogged last!  But then again, yes I can.  SHOWERS have been hard to come by! LOL!  I am happy to report that the big girls got their report cards back for the 2^nd 9 weeks, and they both had improved grades!  One has straight A’s now, and the other made HUGE improvements over the 1^st nine weeks.  SO proud of them as students, and as the young women they are becoming.  They have proven to be SUCH good helps around the house.  Now, if they could just keep their room clean… And Jake is so in love with his little brother it’s almost comical!  He is always asking to help feed, diaper, and hold Finn.  Every time I turn around, I see Jake leaning into the cradle or hovering over the play mat to give Finn a kiss.  SO CUTE! Add to all that joy, luckily (knock on wood) no one in our house has been sick of any kind this winter, and we really can’t ask for a better month!

Since my last post, Britt and I celebrated our 6^th wedding anniversary.  We had a gift card a friend had given us, so we took all the kids to Nana’s house for a couple of hours so we could enjoy the peace and a nice meal together.  Even if it was just a short time, it was definitely good for us!  The next week was back to the grindstone – and HOW! 

We had two crazy days that really tested our parenting skills right off the bat.  That Monday was my first day all alone with Finn.  Britt had been back to work a week, but the other kids were home with me during that time.  So while I was looking forward to the quiet, I knew I would miss the extra (and willing) hands around the house.  Shortly after noon, my doorbell rang.  A City employee from the electric department told me they were going to shut off my electricity for 2-3 hours.  In 30 minutes.  ***PANIC***  I had a baby on life support in my house!  Plus, it was COLD outside, and no electricity means no heat!  All I knew was I needed a plan, and FAST!  Of course, I could (and did) switch Finn from the electric oxygen concentrator to a tank, and the apnea monitor has a battery backup, but both of those are short term solutions to a potentially long term problem. They said 2-3 hours, but how do they really know?  Britt was actually already on his way home for lunch when this started happening, so when he got here, he helped me load everything up and head to my mom and dad’s house, then followed me out there to help me unload.  I enjoyed a nice, WARM afternoon and went back home after my mom got the big kids from school and went to me house assuring me the power was back on.

The next day was a little nuts, too!  Lara had an appointment with the dermatologist at 7:30 in the morning that I was taking her to.  Britt had taken the day off from work as Finn had an eye doctor appointment in the city early that afternoon.  So, I left with Lara (ended up getting a dark mole removed from her head; biopsy revealed it was benign; her forehead looks so much better now!), my mom took the other 2 to school, and Britt was home with Finn until I got back. When I walked through the kitchen door after dropping Lara at school, Britt asked me to “go look at Finn.”  He was in his crib in our room. I took one look at him and knew something wasn’t right.  He was kind of grey, and kind of lifeless.  I could rouse him a bit, but it didn’t last.  The last time this happened, it was the oxygen concentrator not working right, so we switched him to a tank.  This time, he was already on a tank, and the valve was reading there was still pressure in the tank.  But, we switched him back to the concentrator, and called our pediatrician – who said to come on down (we live 4 blocks away; it took us longer to lead up the car than to actually get there).  While switching him again, Britt discovered that while the tank was indicating pressure, it was OUT of oxygen! UGH! That would explain the grey color!  His color was much better by the time we got to the doctor’s office, and he was acting better (now hooked up to a DIFFERENT oxygen tank), but he was still laboring to breathe.  She did an exam (weighed in at 7 pounds and 7 ounces) and did an RSV test which came back negative, but sent us to the hospital for a chest x-ray just to be sure nothing else was going on.  She said a radiologist would read it, and she would call us “later in the afternoon” with the results.  It took us about an hour in the hospital to get him registered, go to the outpatient services area to wait, take the x-rays and leave.  And it takes about 5 minutes to get home from there.  While we were still in the driveway, the pediatrician called with the x-ray results!  (Mind you, we did make a 5 minute stop at the corner grocery store).  When I saw her number on my phone, I was a bit scared.  But, the radiologist had called her quickly to discuss it because he didn’t know he was looking at diseased preemie lungs, so he was getting clarification from her as to what he was looking at, and then told her he saw nothing else to worry about.  WHEW!  So, we were in the clear, and headed to the city for his ophthalmologist appointment – which also went very well.  No signs of RoP and he doesn’t  go back to see him until he is a year old (in 9 months). While we were in the area, we also made a quick stop into the NICU to see our old friends there! That was fun!

After those 2 crazy days, and all the ups and downs at night with feeding and diaper changes, it has just been a tiresome 2 weeks.  I was actually glad after that insane Tuesday to know that I didn’t have to leave the house with Finn again until his check up with the pediatrician on Friday the 20^th.  Ten whole days away!  That checkup went great as well.  Finn weighed in at 8 pounds 1ounce, and is 20 inches long.  Closing in on his 4^th month day, and he is finally the size of a newborn! LOL!  We did not change his oxygen settings, and he is still on the apnea monitor –much to my chagrin (on both accounts).  But, I want to do what is best for the baby, so I’ll get over it!  We go back in a couple of weeks for his 4 month visit and immunizations.  Until then, he just needs to keep eating, sleeping, and growing – all things he seems to be pretty good at!  

I made a short 40 second video of him a few days ago I wanted to share here as well, just showing how alert he is now (after been SO asleep the first 2 weeks we were home), and you can hear Jake playing boxing on the Wii in the background.

And here is a picture a friend took of him yesterday when she came by to visit.  His little personality is starting to shine through, and it makes the sleeplessness and hard work of the last few weeks all worth it!

Look at those chubby cheeks!  We are getting ready to have our first visit from SoonerStart here in just a little while, so I guess I'd better get things in order for that visit. I hope to not go so long between updates next time, too, but I am not making any promises!

Due Date

Today, January 6, 2012, is my due date. Today was the day our baby boy was supposed to be here.  It is hard to imagine that he is 3 months old.  Especially when I am still in the “newborn fog” as sleep and showers are almost non-existent since his homecoming.  Finn seems to be adjusting to his new environment pretty well.  We have gotten the temperature issues under control, and he is eating like a CHAMP!  He has the chubby chipmunk cheeks and rolly polly belly to prove it!  The last 4 days have been a bit nuts with all 3 of the big kids home, too, but he seems to be weathering the storm well!  We are really enjoying this time as a family, and we know it will all change again when school starts back for them on Monday and the routine has to get back on track, and it will just be the two of us home all day.

Finn turned 3 months old (by the calendar) yesterday.  I am not sure how much he weighs exactly (I sure miss nightly weight checks!), but based on how he was gaining the last week he was in the NICU and the first few days home, I would say he is right around 7 pounds.  We are still keeping him on the 5-8-11-2 schedule, but he seems to be modifying it on his own.  The last 3 nights have been a bit unpredictable.  He seems to want to eat twice at 11, and then sleep 4 hours.  That right there shows me he is adjusting to being HOME and he knows he is in charge here!  We are going to keep this schedule as best we can for a few more days, then we will let him set the pace a little more.  He also seems to have his days and nights mixed up!  He literally sleeps all day during the daylight hours, and then he is more awake after 8pm.  And, like WIDE AWAKE from 11pm to 2am.  NICE!  My mom was just complaining last night how she never sees him with his eyes open.  That’s because she’s not here when he’s awake! LOL! 

If you didn’t already know, Finn’s “room” is simply the north wall of the master bedroom.  So, his crib is a mere 4 feet from my side of our bed.  When Jake was a newborn, we had him sleeping in a pack-n-play in our room.  It only lasted a few nights as Britt couldn’t sleep through all the noises Jake made when he slept.  That’s a WHOLE NEW challenge with Finn since he has his oxygen machine in the room as well -- and that’s a noisy contraption!  Last night we would get Finn to sleep, and then he would just whine and fuss and sputter and cry.  When we went to his bedside to replace his paci and rub his back, he would settle down and fall back to sleep, but then when we wearily climbed back in to bed, he would fuss again!  The solution?  We put him in the Fisher Price Rock and Play Sleeper *right next to* our bed.  He slept GREAT after that!  I guess he was just lonely.  Sweet boy!  4 feet away was just too far…

Today brings up a lot of emotions.  I’m sad I didn’t get to experience Finn’s birth the way I thought it was going to be.  I feel bad for Finn that I was unable to provide the perfect environment for him after 26 weeks and 5 days, and he had to enter this world in an emergency situation and be poked, prodded, hooked up, looked at, handled, medicated, intubated, tube fed, and otherwise just messed with when he should have been hanging out in the womb.  I ache for my family and all the sacrifices they have had to make over the past 5 months – I know they were troopers, but I know my other kids missed me and suffered from my absence.  But, I am also thrilled that Finn is here, home and (mostly) healthy.  I am proud of Emma and Lara and the young ladies they are becoming right before my eyes as they care for their fragile baby brother.  I light up with joy at the smile on Jake’s face when he looks at or smiles at or kisses his sweet little brother.  And I absolutely melt when I see Britt being the awesome Dad he is to all our kids, but especially this baby that we ALL had to work so hard for.  I love the little smiles Finn gives us, and the moments he makes eye contact with his (finally) blue eyes.  I relish the quiet moments when I can just cuddle him and watch him sleep.  And I am truly blessed by all the lessons he has taught me and allowed me to be a part of during his precious life.

This morning I saw where Britt had posted a beautiful status on the “Early Adventure of Finn” facebook page.  It truly sums up the way we are feeling today:

And tomorrow?  Britt and I will mark 6 years of marriage! Another fact I have a hard time wrapping my mind around.  Some days it feels like we have been together for a lot longer, and other times it seems like my fairy tale wedding was just yesterday.  While we will celebrate this day, it might not be the same commemorative date night we are used to.  We will be home with our 4 kids, quietly looking back on the journey God had led us on over the past few years.  And all our MANY blessings will be counted.  Love Never Fails.

HAPPY New Year!

WHEW!  We made it!  I am sitting in my living room, with my husband beside me, my tiny son on his chest, and my other 3 kids playing together (loudly) with Christmas presents on the floor.  Our TV is blaring a mindless game show, there are baby things scattered about, and the whole house could use a good cleaning.  And, my heart is FULL.  There have been times this past year I didn’t think I would feel this way again.  We are SO blessed and so thankful as we turn the page to 2012.  It has been QUITE a journey to get to this point, and we have been so loved by so many, we will never be able to acknowledge or repay everyone’s thoughtfulness and generosity.  Looking back (and forward, for that matter), I know we would have never made it without all of YOU, and we are eternally appreciative.  “Thank You” just doesn’t seem adequate.

As of right now, we have been home for 4 days.  As parents, Britt and I are exhausted.  We have had to learn so much about taking care of a preemie baby who is on a heart and respiration monitor, as well as oxygen.  This is much more intense than I thought it would be.  Add to that, we were advised by our NICU team to keep him on the 3 hour feed schedule for the first 2 weeks as he adjusts to his new environment.  So, we have all kinds of alarms set on our phones to make sure we are awake and we feed Finn at 5, 8, 11 and 2 – am AND pm!!!!  We are only sleeping for short periods of time…  We got home on Wednesday about noon, and the first few hours we spent just trying to get situated.  The home health guy came out later in the afternoon to set up the concentrator and to leave us with some oxygen tanks to keep up going.  I am thankful for my small house.  I only have about 30 feet of tubing from the oxygen machine to Finn.  That means, you can’t go far with him before either hooking him up to a portable oxygen tank, or moving the concentrator to another room.  I have had a few instances in the past few days where that frustrates me.  I hate having to leave him in the back of the house while I go to the front of the house, but sometimes moving his equipment just isn’t an option.  Add to that the monitor.  Its cord is only about 5 feet long.  Luckily, it can be unplugged and runs on battery, but the battery life is only about 3 hours.  If the battery gets low, it alarms.  If the leads on the baby move, it alarms; if the cords from the baby to the machine are loose or get unplugged, it alarms.  And the alarm? LOUD!  And startling.  Luckily, we have not had any “baby” alarms, just “equipment” alarms.  The machine would alarm if the baby has a problem if his heart rate was above or below a preset limit, or if he doesn’t take a breath for more than 20 seconds.  So far, we have not had any of those kinds of alarms. YAY!  Oh – and you know when else it alarms?  If you don’t turn it off “right.”  For some reason, Britt and I both have had a hard time remembering those instructions!  We have to turn it off to bathe Finn and to change the leads everyday… We’re getting better!

We have had a few “newborn” moments that we’ve had to deal with.  We have had some issues with Finn acclimating to the temperature of our home and maintaining his body temperature.  Doesn’t help that the Oklahoma weather has been crazy!  It was 70 yesterday!  But 3 days ago it was 40 and tomorrow it will be COLD.  We’ve had the heater on, nothing on but fans, and then even the A/C on yesterday.  SHEESH!  We were advised when we left the NICU to take his temperature every 3 hours to make sure he was acclimating.  After a bath on Wednesday, he was a bit cool, so, I dressed him, Britt warmed a hat and blanket in the clothes drier, and we put him down to nap dressed like that.  Next time we checked him, you guessed it, he was super warm! LOL!  This has gone the other way, too.  Had him swaddled, decided he was too hot, took off a layer, checked again later, he was too cold!  Day four (and a new thermometer) and we are finally evening out on this issue.  (We were using the same thermometer from the hospital as advised and taking his temp under his arm, but the leads from the monitor were interfering with this reading and saying he had a low temperature over and over and over, so we bought a behind the ear version and have had much better luck with it.)

The only super scary moment we have had was during the evening on Wednesday night.  Finn was sleeping in his bouncy seat, and it was time for his next temperature check / diaper change / feeding.  Britt got him out of the seat to get to work on him while I fetched a bottle (I am still pumping, but we chose to feed him from bottles to be able to keep track of his intake better).  I came in to our darkened living room, and Britt mentioned that Finn looked like he was glowing blue from the reflection from our big TV.  When he picked Finn up to cuddle him, I could see the baby didn’t look ”right.”  And he wasn’t just blue, he was GRAY!  I told Britt something was wrong with the baby, and we immediately flipped on the overhead light, and started rubbing Finn’s back.  Britt – the quick thinker between us – immediately disconnected Finn from the home oxygen concentrator machine and hooked him to an oxygen canister that was sitting nearby.  Finn immediately started to pink up, and after a few minutes, we decided to try to feed him to see if that would help.  Finn recovered from this episode very quickly, but now we had to find out WHY this happened to our precious baby.  Britt began examining all the equipment, and found that there was a loose connection on the concentrator.  Even though we discovered that, we still didn’t trust the machine, so that night Finn used one of our large canisters for sleeping.  WHEW!

Thursday, we had trouble with the machine maintaining the flow pressure.  Finn is supposed to be at ¾ of a liter. The machine kept falling down between ¾ and ½.  While we hope to wean Finn to that soon, right now as he adjusts to everything else, we want him to have ALL of the support he needs.  So, that day, we spent a lot of time on the canister as well – including overnight.  Friday, we put a call in to the home heath guy to see if he could help up with the problem.  He walked Britt through a few steps, and since then we have had no problems with the machine, and Finn has been able to spend his last 2 overnights hooked to it.  We have also moved it to new places in the house to see if that helps with the cord issues, and that has made the set up a little different, as well.  Having Finn on the machine more is good, because those large oxygen canisters are kind of pricey!  We went through 2 in 2 days!

Also on Friday, he had his first visit with our local pediatrician!  I was so pleased when we got there and the staff immediately put us in an exam room to get us out of the germy lobby.  SO thankful for that!  The exam went well, and she told us we were doing a good job and that Finn was PERFECT!  But, we already knew that.  He weighed in at 6 pounds 6 ounces!  Growing so well!  He does have 2 hernias – the obvious umbilical one as well as one in his left groin, but we will address those when he is older.  We don’t have to go back and see her for 3 weeks –unless we just need to!  Time to stay home and stay healthy.

The last 2 days have been pretty smooth, aside from the tiredness!  Emma and Lara FINALLY returned from Christmas with their other dad yesterday afternoon, and I got the first picture of all 4 kids in our home. 

They hadn’t been here an hour when they left to go to a friend’s house for a New Year’s Eve sleepover!  Social butterflies!  We are adjusting to being a complete family of 6.  We get dad home for one more day before he goes back to work.  My big kids don’t go back to school for another WEEK, so I will be with all 4 kids all day for the rest of this week.  Please pray for my patience! LOL!  It is a challenge keeping every one fed, entertained, clean and dry - and to keep reminding them not to step on, trip over, kink or otherwise disturb all the cords and wires crisscrossing our house!  But, I am so looking forward to it.  THIS is my purpose!