If not for Christmas…

…by New Year’s night…?

After all these whispers and questions and comments about Finn being home for Christmas, including more yesterday, Britt and I finally got up the nerve to ask a doctor – the only ones who can tell us for sure.  And no, Finn won’t be home for Christmas.  While we are a bit disappointed, we can’t help but be thankful for how far he has come!  The doctor told us yesterday that 9 out of 10 babies with his exact circumstances (25 week gestation birth, under 2 pound birth weight, 7 weeks on a ventilator, etc) would not be faring as well as he has.  Everyone is still really shocked at how well he has taken to the bottle.  He just needs more time to grow bigger and get new pink lung tissue to help overcome the chronic lung disease.  It just takes time.  And patience.

So, now we are hoping for the end of the year.  I know that’s only a week out from Christmas, but for insurance purposes, that would really be helpful.  Of course, we want him to be as healthy as possible before he joins our crazy household, so we will do what the doctors advise us to do, but we sure could use some BIG prayers for a New Year’s Eve homecoming!  That will be some kind of party at midnight if it happens!

We were able to go back to bottle feeding yesterday.  I fed him a bottle at 8, 2 and 5.  His 11 o’clock feeding we gavaged since he was SO asleep all the prodding and noise we were making didn’t even cause a stir.  He was kind of fussy after the 8 o’clock feeding and stayed awake for quite a while, so I guess he was just worn out.  I told Britt I gave him a C+ for that first bottle.  He gulped and held his breath a lot for the first half, but then got the hang of it again and did well.  He gets a C- for the 2:00.  He kept de-satting (his oxygen saturation level goes below the desired level and makes the alarm go off), so we stopped a lot, but he still drank the whole thing in the 30 minutes allotted.  Then, the 5:00 he got a solid B.  Did well; his sats only dipped twice – and neither time set off the alarm.  He just needed to get back in the swing of things!  Sounds like he did about the same overnight, as well.  Back on the right track now!

While his breathing and oxygen levels are getting better, it is a slow climb.  His machine last night was set to 3.5 liters per minute of flow, and early this morning it was at 78% oxygen. That’s down from the 4.0L and 100% we had Tuesday night!  He has to get down to 1 L to come home.  He will be at 100% at that point, but that’s the flow they need for him to be comfortable at and still converting the oxygen as needed.  There is no telling how long that can take, but late this morning they turned the flow down to 3.0 and his oxygen up t 100%! We are THRILLED with this development.  He just has to keep getting new lung tissue every day and keep working on his bottle feeding to get better.  The nurse practitioner (that changed the oxygen settings) told us to GET READY!  So, we have signed up for the final NICU parenting class, as well as infant CPR next week, so we can be ready!

Today, Britt is getting some cuddle time in with his son.  Long overdue!  It’s been a crazy week!  Loving the holiday season, and being able to celebrate our own little miracle.  At the same time, glad to see the tumultuous year of 2011 come to a close.  Bring on 2012!  I now know I can survive just about anything that’s thrown at me!

Back to Normal?

Today is Thursday- day 4 of the fast.  I still think I am doing well.  Today, my family routine for the New Year SHOULD be getting back to normal.  We picked up the girls from their other dad last evening, and they go back to school today after a 2 week holiday break.  Extra-curricular activities start again, too.  Everyone, including the 3 year old, went to bed on time last night, so that’s a good start to normal, right?

Yesterday, my husband attended a funeral with my mom and I.  It was a very long, very emotional double service for a high school classmate of mine and his wife.  They were killed in a tragic car accident on Christmas Eve, leaving their 8 month old daughter an orphan.  The husband was also a friend of mine in college, serving as a house boy for my sorority , which his older sister and mother were members of, and I, along with my mother, are active alums with.  There were easily 500-600 people there.  It was intense.  And sad.  So, I am not sure I would have eaten much yesterday, anyway.  I worked from 8-12, then at noon, my husband, mother and I met at my house to go to the church, so no one had lunch.  But again, food was replaced with prayer, and my God provided strength to get through that painful afternoon.

The evening turned out much happier.  We had our GIRLS back and the house was alive with giggling 8 year olds!  We made Daniel fast baked potatoes for dinner, and watched Minute to Win It as family.  I think the thing that surprises me most about this fast is my headaches!  I am not having any cravings, I don’t feel deprived, but I had a bad headache again last night!  And my husband wasn’t feeling very well at all, complaining about his head.  I had a dear friend text me and ask how it was going - saying day 3 was always her worst day.  Amazingly, I would say my day 3 was 100x better than my day 2!

So, pressing on.  Today presents new challenges with having to feed all 3 of my kids dinner, and the crazy busy-ness of being a parent of 3 active kids is fully restored.  I love music and find worship to be a very satisfying part of my walk.  Today, the song that keeps playing in the background of my head is "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus." The chorus is so touching: "Turn your eyes upon Jesus, Look full in His wonderful face, And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,In the light of His glory and grace."  (Hebrews 12:2) So true after yesterday and as I journey through this fast.

Thankfully, I feel like my emotions are holding up during this season, so I will keep praying for that, but I can also pray for more patience as I know this will get harder with a full house.

21 Day Fast - Day 1

I woke up today with the full intention of doing my 30 minute workout.  The alarm went off.  I clicked snooze.  And my thoughts turned to my relationship with God and the commitment I have made for the next 21 days.  Two lines from a chorus I learned as a child entered my head: “I will enter His gates with thanks giving in my heart; I will enter His courts with praise.”  The snooze on the alarm went off again.  I clicked it off again – not ready to leave the thoughts and prayers behind.  So, I began to meditate on those lyrics from the song and pray about today.  Plus, it was warm in my bed lying next to my husband, and I was not ready to get up yet.  The alarm sounded again; and I clicked snooze.  I started thinking about how I felt physically – since at this point it was obvious I was not getting up to work out.  I vowed to do it this afternoon when I got home from work.  Physically, I feel good.  I feel stronger than I have in a long time.  I wake up rested; my back has healed nicely.  I know I am doing good things for my body – better things than I was, at least.  So I am excited about this fast and what it can do for my spirit.  The tones of the alarm break in, I press snooze.  Now it is painfully obvious my husband has to be awake, too, so I ask a few questions to get us on the same page for the day, and go back to praying about this season in our lives, and another emotion emerges: Nervousness.  I am nervous about the unknown.  How will I do this?  Am I strong enough, mentally?  Will I remember to pray and SEEK God when I am hungry or feel weak?  How will I fill the long boring hours that tend to happen at work?  Thankfully, this week should be pretty busy, but what about the 2 weeks after that?  The alarm sounded, for what would be the final time.  I turned it off, cuddled for a few more seconds with my husband, and made the decision to write about it.  So, with a prayerful mindset, I fired up the laptop, and wrote this.  God put this verse in my head (which was revealed during the sermon titled “First” from this past weekend):  But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Matthew 6:33. So, as I start day 1 of my 21 day season of seeking, I am starting here.  Humbled, scared, nervous, and READY!  I am excited to see what God shows me during this season.  I am excited to try new things with my diet.  I am driven to see how I can do this.  I know, with God, I am strong enough to do this.  This is a busy week – back to work, starting the new semester, a very emotional and trying funeral on Wednesday, starting a new volunteer position on the Executive board of my sorority on Sunday.  But, all of those things came to my because the enemy is upon me.  Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns. Matthew 16:23. I am committed to this fast.  I am committed to see it through and to help others in my life that have chosen this path as well.  Not only my husband, but the church staff, life group members, host team members, and friends.  This, Lord, is my prayer to you today.  Guide me, direct me, use me.  Amen.

New Year - UPDATE!

I did so well for the first 2 weeks!  I am not wearing my back brace AT ALL,  and I worked out 5 of the first 7 days (WOOT!) and not quite as much the week of Christmas and New Years! *sigh*  But, I went on a 4 day road trip to Texas for the Alamo Bowl, and walked a LOT during that day, so I was still active.  Also took a 4 day break from Shakeology during the trip, but all in all I am still on track and still proud of my accomplishments.

All that to say, I am taking a little detour.  I really think this is for the better in LOTS of ways.  My husband and I are participating in a First of the Year 21 day fast with our church, LifeChurch.tv.  Here is a link to the event on Facebook for more information.  I am still doing Shakeology for breakfast, and I plan to work out 3-5 days a week with Shakeology - The Workouts.  I really hope this will jump-start me into a new year of fitness and healthy!  21 days without meat, dairy, sugar or animal by-products is a good way to start!  I am so excited to see where this journey takes me mentally, spiritually, and PHYSICALLY!  Here's to a new year and a new ME!