Fretful Friday

The preemie baby induced house arrest is getting to me.  I woke up (after not much sleep, but more than my husband because he is AWESOME and let me sleep through some of Finn’s antics!) feeling a bit anxious this morning about a dozen or so things.  Unfortunately, this is my nature.  This is my cross to bear.  Britt reminds me daily to think positively and not to dwell on the negative. So, I am trying to let go and let God on these issues.

This quote from my Joyce Meyer reading plan on YouVersion.com this morning really spoke to me:

I had encountered so much disappointment and I was afraid to be positive. When I began to study the Word and trust God to restore me, I realized my negative thoughts had to go.

We need to practice positive thoughts in every situation. If you're going through a difficult time, expect that God will work things out for your good. As a Christian, it's time for you to fight for your thoughts, because your mind won't automatically come into agreement with God's plans.

I am anxious about Jake’s birthday party on Sunday.  This is his 5^th, and with Emma and Lara creeping up on age 10, I have thrown a few birthday parties.  But this one I feel very unprepared for.  We have the place, the guests, and the cake, but nothing else.  Haven’t even made a list yet.  So unlike me!  We are doing a Power Rangers Samuri theme.  I sure hope the party store here in town has some plates and decorations…

It is RSV season, and I brought a micro preemie home almost a month ago.  He got his first RSV prevention shot in the hospital on December 27^th.  He’s supposed to get it once a month through the end of Oklahoma’s RSV season.  We have been going round and round with the company that provides this service for our preemie babies.  The nurse and I have been checking on the status of this injection every few days for weeks, and this past week, DAILY!  Finn’s approval is still “pending” with insurance.  He NEEDS this shot.  I can’t handle putting him back in the NICU if he get sick.  WHY is this taking so long?  Our NICU friends from Ponca with twin boys who were released the same day have already gotten their second shot - last week.  UGH!

I am distraught that it seems someone stole my dog.  Last Saturday, I had a dog. A dirty, shaggy haired, slightly neglected but oh so loving 3 year old miniature schnauzer named Einstein.  Sunday, I no longer had that dog.  We assumed he got out of the yard (He is mainly an outside dog in our fenced-in back yard, but sleeps in the house in his crate, but he did not come in Saturday night), and that he would return on his own or we would get a call.  He gets outs occasionally – one every 3 months I would guess.  But, he always either shows up on his own, or we get a call (he has a collar and tags).  Monday, we called animal control – they don’t have him.  Called again yesterday.  Still no word.  No one had called.  He hasn’t come home.  I guess he’s gone.  We weren’t the BEST pet parents, but Einstein was loved, he loved us back, the kids played with him, he was house broken and well behaved.  I’m sad.

And my jobless status totally overwhelmed me yesterday.  I’m still feeling the after effects today.  Without going in to many details, I am feeling VERY derailed and unemployable.  It seems somehow a disconnect to me that your job, your career, is such a HUGE part of your life, but I feel I have no control over it.  The second question people ask when they meet you (after where are you from) is “What do you do for a living?”  Don’t get me wrong, I am embracing my current “Stay at Home Mom” status, but I need to work.  I am not good at this staying home thing, and as a family we need my income – especially in this season.  But decisions and choices other people make control my destiny.  I apply and interview for positions I (and others) think I am perfect for, and I get rejected.  I just feel like a puppet on a string right now.

So, I turn to the thing I know is always steady, always ready, always true.  My God.  Here is what He says:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding (Proverbs 3:5)

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7)

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?” (Matthew 6:25)

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall. (Psalm55:22)

I could go on and on.  There are lots of verses in the bible about giving up your worry to God and how worrying does nothing positive for you or for the Kingdom, so why do it. But, I am human, and I fail.  This is just the reminder I needed today.  Time to stop worrying, and start worshiping.  To stop fretting and start feeling freedom in Him.  This too shall pass.  Thank you, Jesus, for my blessings!

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.   Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:33-34)

UPDATE!  While working on this post, my nurse called and the insurance has approved the shot!  That’s ONE hurdle!  Now, we have to get the shot to our pediatrician’s office, and get Finn to the office, and get the medicine in his system.  MAYBE by middle of next week… 

Thankful for Finn

Well, it has been a bit of an eventful few days since I last posted! Nothing too exciting, except that MY BABY DOESN’T HAVE A TUBE DOWN HIS THROAT ANYMORE!!!!!  I know the picture doesn’t show the whole story, because the “after” almost looks worse than the before, but it is SO MUCH better!  He can swallow and cough and CRY now.  All things he needs to be doing to continue getting bigger. The CPAP still supports his breathing, but it is not as invasive or as aggressive as the respirator.  The CPAP is set to a rate of 15 breaths per minute at about 50% oxygen right now.  I know that soon after he was transferred over to it, they turned the pressure up, but I don’t know if they turned it back down yet or not.  The next step is nasal cannula, which is the least invasive breathing apparatus, but we are not sure when to expect that.

I was at the hospital Monday and Tuesday.  There had been talk of removing the ventilator since the weekend, but they we’re getting the blood test results they wanted from Finn.  He was at a rate of 10, oxygen was as low as 40%, and the pressures were being turned up and down slightly every day, but he was staying the same.  On Tuesday morning, the doctor told me they would change him over Wednesday morning.  I had told my nurses and respiratory technicians (RT)  that if I was in the hospital, I wanted to see them do it.  I had also told them that I was leaving Tuesday afternoon as I needed to be home with my big kids on Wednesday since they were out of school.  So, shortly after noon on Tuesday, my favorite respiratory technician came in the room with a HUGE grin on her face, and she said, “We’re doing it now!”  I said, “NOW?!?!?!?” She replied, “Well, as soon as I get everything I need gathered up!” So, again, with the surprises!  The doctor was vacillating between leaving the tube in, and trying CPAP, and after talking to RT, decided the ventilator may have been what was holding him back, and to at least TRY the CPAP!  Here’s the video I made for Dad:

It is now Thursday morning, and he is tolerating it just fine!  He was SUPER mad at us for a solid hour after the switch, but once he got settled in and used to it, he has done just fine.  I had never seen him so active and agitated!  But of course, you would be too if the only way you knew how to breathe was through a tube in your throat and someone took it away and started shoving air in your nose to make you breath! LOL!  While I was kinda sad to see him so worked up, it was AWESOME to hear him cry!  He is working hard to come home for Christmas!  I  stayed a few extra hours just to make sure they weren’t going to have to go back on the respirator, then I came home to my big kids to start their long holiday weekend!

On Wednesday morning, I called in to check on Finn about 9am.  All was well with him – doing just fine with the CPAP.  The nurse was the same one we had on Tuesday, and we had also had her several days last week. During our conversation, she says to me “Oh! And he looks SO CUTE in his little outfit!”  WHAT?!?!?!  What outfit? He has clothes on? Whose clothes?  I didn’t bring clothes??? LOL! I knew they day was coming, as him roommate has been wearing clothes for a while now. She is bigger than him, and in an open crib on room air, and I didn’t know what the qualifications were for wearing clothes.  I found out it is 3 and a half pounds, but when Finn hit that marker, he still had a rigid tube down his throat.  So, for him, it was 3 and a half pounds, AND the tube was gone!  The nurse also said he peed all over the first outfit, so she had to get him another one!  There is a stash of preemie clothing in the NICU, and parents are welcome to bring their own.  We have set aside a few things to take with us when we go see him today.   They nurse said she wished she could send me a picture.  I’m kind of sad I missed his first day in clothes, but I will see him today – and take pictures!

On Thanksgiving, we reflect on what we are thankful for.  Simply put, I am thankful for Finn.  But that extends so far beyond just my baby and his life.  It’s the lives he has touched beyond the walls of the NICU or this home.  It is my family who have loved and supported us unconditionally through the toughest road I have ever followed. It is my church family, friends and prayer warriors who have begged God for His mercy and provision for this baby, for me, and for our family.  It is the people who have read or will read this blog and see the love of Jesus shining through and get to see how powerful a relationship with Him can be.  It is the patience, knowledge and courage that have been fostered in me personally over the last few months.  It is LOVE.  Thank you Finn, for bringing that to me, to our family, to the WORLD!

Dear Finn Weaver

Dear Finn Weaver,

Well, son!  You are 2 weeks old!  I am so proud of all the accomplishments you've made.  They told me a couple of days ago that you are not the smallest baby on the unit anymore!  You weigh a whole kilogram (2 pounds 3 ounces) now!  Plus, you are off the photo therapy lights (again) so I can see your sweet face without that silly mask of goggles.  I know the oscillator is doing a lot of the breathing work for you, but it is your job to relax and let it do it's job.  Thank you for being such a fighter.  We know you were born too soon (14 weeks too soon to be exact), and without all the medical knowledge and equipment you have around you, and without your fighting spirit, and without the love of our all-powerful God, we know we would not have you in our lives.  What a blessing you are!

Finn, do you have any idea how many people are praying for you?  People you and I will never meet.  People you and I have no way of knowing.  Son, you are covered in the biggest blanket of prayer!  So many people reaching out to Jesus on your behalf for healing, growth, comfort, and love.  And they are petitioning for me and your Dad, too. For strength, patience, knowledge and healing.  I know we feel it, and I hope you do, too.  There are people all over the place thinking of you and pulling for you and reading about you on Facebook, Twitter, and our blog.  I am so thankful for the Internet and social media for letting me share you and our story with so many, so easily.  You are a tiny, helpless baby, but you already help your dad and I shine the light of Jesus to so many everyday!

I have spent the better part of everyday of the last two weeks by your bedside.  During the week, I have been staying with some friends here in Oklahoma City.  I get up early every morning to get a ride to the hospital, and I stay as late as I can every night before they take me back to their house.  On the weekends, your Daddy brings your sisters and brother up to visit you.  Nana and Grandpa have been here a few times, too.  Plus, you've had lots of other visitors as well!  Everyone thinks you are so cute.  They ask me who you look like, but I am not really sure yet!  The past few days your hair has looked a bit red - like your sisters', and you have your brother/dad/grandfather's Weaver ears.  We'll have to see as you get bigger which side of the family you resemble more.

You've given us a couple of pretty rough nights and a few scares, Mr. Finn.  And unfortunately, I hear that's not over yet!  When you scare us, we just pray harder!  Maybe that's the lesson you are trying to teach us.  Last Saturday night when they switched you from the traditional ventilator to the oscillator was rough.  Just because we were in Stillwater that night and there was nothing your Dad and I could do to help, plus this was not a sure fix.  But, it worked!  Then, this past Tuesday night when they couldn't get your blood gas numbers to do what they were supposed to and they were tweaking every setting and nothing much was working, that put me on my knees, too.  But, a new tube, some new settings, a blood transfusion the next day, and you were doing MUCH better.  "They" say the NICU ride is quite a roller coaster, and it is SO very true.  Not a day goes by that I don't cry for some reason - either happy tears because you are ALIVE and MINE and so adorably cute, or because I am scared, terrified, angry, or worried as you work so hard to stay cute.  You are my miracle!  My mom always says you never stop learning, and the last 2 weeks have been a crash course!

Tonight, your Daddy will be here for the whole weekend!  It is Fall Break for the schools, so Emma and Lara are spending time with their "other dad," Jake is staying with friends, and your Daddy is coming to OKC to spend the whole weekend with me and you!  We have a hotel room, and we are excited to hang out with you, and each other!  I've been on bed rest and then here with you for over 2 months, so you Dad and I have kind of missed out on just being a couple.  This is a welcome break, and we can't wait to share it with you!  Besides spending as much time as we can with you, we hope to go to the movies, eat good food, reconnect, and just celebrate the life God has given us!  I might even put on some make up for the occasion!  (I haven't done that in months, either!)  OH - and while we are gone, our dear friends are invading our house to decorate your nursery!  It's all a big surprise, and I can't wait to see it on Sunday!  But more importantly than that, I can't wait to bring you home so you can enjoy it.  can you work really hard for me and be home by Christmas?   I would really love for Santa not to have to find you in the NICU... It's only 12 days before your due date!  I know you can do it!

So, I will close my first letter to you with this.  I love you.  Forever.  No matter what.  Daddy says when you are 15 and driving me nuts I am not allowed to "hold it over your head" that when you were born I sat by your bedside for months on end willing you to grow and get stronger.  I said, "I'm his mother.  Yes, I can!"  LOL!  And I probably will.  Just so you know how much I love you.  And Daddy loves you!  I tell you everyday the first moment I see you, and again before I leave at night.  Emma, Lara and Jake -- they love you, too.  They ask about you when I call, and the look forward to coming to visit you.  I can't wait for you to be big enough for them to hold you and cuddle you.  And all the people I mentioned before!  Your grandparents (you've got 4 of the best, you know!), Aunts, Uncles, cousins, and the hundreds of others -- some I know and some I don't -- they all love you and want the best for you.  So, right now, you have a big job on your shoulders.  It is to sleep, relax, eat, and grow!  If you get stronger each day, you will be home before we know it!  I love you, Finn Weaver!

Love,
Mom

For a Little While...

I fell like I should have something to say, but I don’t, really. The last time I wrote anything was last Thursday. Today is Monday. The day after Easter. I had a good day yesterday, but I almost feel guilty about it. The Five Dream Weavers went to LifeChurch.tv Edmond to celebrate new life with a dear friend as he got Baptized, then went to his house to celebrate his wife’s birthday and Easter. It was a nice change of pace – even if we did experience white-knuckle driving in torrential downpours and see 2 wrecks.

Easter is a time of celebration. Of recognizing the sacrifice God made for us ALL by giving up his only son. Makes me think about being a parent and especially about being a parent of a son. But what does that look like for a mother who just lost her own son way too soon? On Facebook she said “I am happy Brian is spending his first Easter in the presence of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I cry because I miss him and I want him here with us.”

When I was pregnant with my twins, I had lots of sonograms. I remember the first time the technicians and doctors tried to determine the sex of the babies. They told me Twin A (called Jenna in utero, now Emma) was definitely a girl. I was a tiny bit disappointed. I had thought I was having 2 boys. Then, they told me Twin B (Barbara in utero, now Lara) was not cooperating and her gender was still in question. A few weeks later, same outcomes. At 33 weeks, they told me Twin B was “most likely” a girl. I will confess that I held out hope until the moment she was born that Lara would be a boy. But, I got 2 precious orange headed girls, and they still light up every day of my life with their love and tenacity! Fast forward a few years and I was pregnant again. I had a precautionary sonogram at 14 weeks because the one a t10 weeks revealed something my doctor wanted to look at again (turned out to be nothing). But, during that sonogram, the technician asked if we wanted to know the gender of the baby. We were a bit shocked, as we thought it was too early, and we hadn’t really discussed it. But, we said yes. And, found out we were going to have a SON! Talk about humbling… And to reflect on what he means to me now, after the death of my mother’s son and the Easter holiday focusing on how God turned Jesus over to his haters… WOW.

My pastor, Craig Groeschel, wrote and amazing poem and showed it as a video during the sermons this weekend. I had caught parts of it on Saturday night as I volunteered as an usher for the 2 services in Stillwater, but I finally got to see it in context on Sunday morning. Here is the video:

It has inspired me again to be weird and to see things from a different angle. Reminded me that it doesn’t matter that none of my girls’ clothes came from “Justice” as much as they would like for them to have, and that my family is blessed to have 2 cars that run (even if they aren’t pretty), a roof over our head, and a pantry (mostly) full of food. We will survive this season and we will SHINE our light for others to see. I will survive feeling burdened and overwhelmed. I will learn from the obstacles set before me and the pain that seems to consume me. I will cherish that fact that my SON climbs into bed with me almost every night and needs extra love and attention at every bedtime right now. After all, he’s only my son for a little while…

I can only imagine

People have said that to us a lot over the last few days.  As in, “I can only imagine what you are going through” and “I can only imagine how hard this is for you.”  When I hear this phrase, I always think of the Mercy Me song (see below).   “I can only imagine When all I will do Is forever  Forever worship You I can only imagine…”  And that song means so much to my husband and I – we both tear up every time we hear it.  And now is no different!  I love this song so much; I have chosen to use it for the background music for the slide show I am preparing today for the funeral on Monday.  I have also written the obituary (remember how I said my spiritual gift is administration?  Yeah…) and I hope to post it to my blog this afternoon.

I forgot to mention that while at his employer’s office Monday, we learned that Brian had never designated a beneficiary on either his employer provided life insurance policy or his supplemental life insurance policy. WHAT?!?!?!?  If you, dear reader, have life insurance, I am imploring you NOW to make sure the beneficiaries are listed, and they are CURRENT!  Britt just checked on ours, and mine is good, but he needs to change his.  We already knew my brother didn’t have a will (Britt and I don’t either, but we will at least have a signed letter by the end of the week and a will by the end of the month!), but the life insurance fiasco was news to us.  I see FAIL written all over the HR department on that one!  So, due to not having a will and life insurance issues, this whole experience just become even harder, as we will have to go into probate and there are LOTS of questions and issues to be settled.

Tuesday and Wednesday really went by in a blur.  On Tuesday morning, I somehow managed to get my kids up, talk to them about why Daddy and I were gone for 2 days, what we knew (and didn’t know) about Uncle Brian’s death, AND get them all to school relatively on time.  Later that morning my mom, dad, husband and I met for over 2 hours with the funeral director at Strode Funeral Home.  Do you have any idea how much it SUCKS to pick out caskets, liners, flower arrangements, those little pamphlet things (they have a name it escapes me with a million other things these days), the verse to be printed in there and all the other things that have to be done for a funeral?  (Sorry, Mom, I know you hate the work sucks, but it does…)  And, BTW, I think I have a new business venture to pursue once I can breathe again.  The cover art for said “pamphlet thingies” that we had to pick from was HIDEOUS!  I get that most people die old and they like floral prints that look old, or whatever, but it was torture to pick one for a strong, vibrant young man like my brother.  I think I embarrassed everyone with me by all the remarks and gagging sounds…

After a nice lunch at Mexico Joe’s (where we ran into our first friends since we had been back in town), we all went back to my parents’ house.  That afternoon we spent more time making lists, thinking, planning, organizing, and of course crying.  The funeral director had told us at that point Brian’s body had been “released” from the county morgue in Texas, but had not been transported back to Stillwater – that was to be done either late Tuesday night or Wednesday morning.  My mom was ready for him to be OUT of Texas.  We knew the funeral home was in the process, but it just seemed so slow.  At one point in the afternoon, my folks had gone over to my grandmother’s house, Britt was running some errands and picking the girls up from school, and I was supposed to be writing the obituary.  I was completely alone for the first time in DAYS.  While the silence felt nice at first, I was glad to be watching the clock and knowing that Britt and my girls would be back soon.  It was nice to reflect and cry alone, and I got most of the obituary written, but hearing those Twisters burst through the door was a DELIGHTFUL sound!

Tuesday night Britt and I were scheduled to go to a banquet dinner, even had my parents set up to babysit, but at the last minute we backed out.  I didn’t want to get dressed up, and neither of us wanted to leave our kids.  So, we ate the tons of yummy food that friends had brought to my parents’ house, and played with our kids, and worked on finding pictures, tweaking the obituary, and enjoying our family.

Wednesday morning, everyone had decided to try to have a normal morning.  Mom and Dad went to work.  Britt went to work.  Emma and Lara walked to school.  I was planning on dropping Jake off at day care, then going to training at work (as to not fall behind on my certificate course work).  But, God had other plans.  And this all led to another sad tweet from me:

You see, when I got to the day care, the adorable 4 and 5 year olds were all dressed for Spring picture day.  Not Jake. He was in the T-shirt he had slept in the night before and basketball shorts and had the WORST cowlick ever.  On the mad dash home to find him better clothes (and hair product), my cell phone rang – indicating the girls’ elementary school.  It was Emma; she had forgotten her ADHD meds – and she really needs them.  I told her to wait for me, I would be right there.  When I finally got home, the shirt I wanted for Jake was nowhere to be found!  Long story short – Emma did get her meds and get to class on time; Jake’s shirt was found and ironed and his cowlick tamed mere MOMENTS before his turn to get pictures; I missed my training.  But, I got to have a long chat with a longtime friend and fellow believer, and it really brightened my day.  God is SO GOOD!

Yesterday afternoon I found out that my brother’s body had made it back to Oklahoma and was at Strode Funeral Home, which was good news.  The bad news?  The body is completely un-viewable.  Not only by the public, but even for the family.  I will spare my readers the gory details, but just know we feel a grave injustice has been done to us.  And we have to request a copy of the autopsy report in writing from the Tarrant county Medical examiner’s office, so I mailed that yesterday.  Who knows how long before we actually get our hands on the document - which may or may not provide answers.

 At 2:30 the 4 of us met at the church to meet with the pastor and go over the service for Brian.  My mom told the Pastor lots of Brian stories, and deferred all planning and note taking to me (again, Administration…).  We all enjoyed describing Brian to Pastor Tim and helping him get to know Brian a little bit better.  We spent a lot of time talking about Brian’s scouting activities and his high school shenanigans.  As well as talking about his precious daughter and the times he’s shared with her over the past 4 years.  We picked songs, order of service, discussed pall bearers, and felt a sense of finality by making these decisions.  We still need to pick a few bible verses to share, and I am going to research and see if there is any Boy Scout ritual for a funeral as well.

We tried to make yesterday as normal for my kids as possible – after lots of chaos and missed appointments and lessons, etc. for the past few days.  After school, the girls got haircuts – I wanted them to look nice for all you out of towners!  ;)  Then, I sent my poor, sweet, DILIGENT and dutiful husband to Wal*Mart (or Best Buy) to purchase a 500 Mb portable external hard drive.  He looked like a deer in headlights when I tried to tell him what I needed.  I told him to ask where they were, then call and read the boxes to me.  Luckily, he only had 2 to pick from at the Wal Marts, and it was any easy decision as the other one had 1 terabyte of memory, and I’ll NEVER need that much!  After all our errands were run, we gathered back at my parents’ house to eat more of the delicious food we have been blessed with, then the Five Dream weavers were off to LifeChurch!  Konnect and Little LifeKids for the Little Weavers, and LifeGroup with our closest friends for the Mister and I.  We knew we would find lots of friends in the lobby when we dropped the kids off and picked them up later, and we were not disappointed.  What a GREAT time of fellowship and food.  I love my LifeGroup and my church!

Today is Thursday and my goal for today is the slide show.  Mom has a pile of pictures at her house I will go pick up soon and start scanning.  She and my dad have gone to Lewisville to tie up some more loose ends today, and will be back tonight.  Britt is at work, Jake’s at day care and the Twisters are at school.  I am home alone, in desperate need of a shower, and about to tackle another job in honor of my brother.  I’ll get to rest soon, right?  Yes!  And in the arms of Jesus, no less!  I can ONLY imagine!

Lent (Sacrifice)

My favorite definition of sacrifice is “giving up something you love, for something you love MORE.” I think the first time I heard this was a couple of years ago in a sermon by Craig Groeschel, and since then I have heard the same sentiment said a few different ways. So, as we start this season of Lent, I am choosing to make a sacrifice. I am giving up Diet Coke (caffeine/dark cola), in order to feel better.

You see, I love (LOVE) Diet Coke, but I love NOT feeling like I have for the last 2 weeks even MORE. I’ve done it before. Given up the DC. For LONG periods of time, even. I gave it up for 5 years while trying to conceive, then conceiving and breastfeeding twins. Then again when I was pregnant and breastfeeding my son. And then for 21+ days at the First of this year when I participated in the Daniel fast. And I know I have done it for Lent in the past as well. So, I know it can be done, and I know I can do it. And to help me along my way, I have also started a new bible reading plan designed just for Lent at youversion.com. To keep me on track and to remind me WHY I am sacrificing this tiny thing when Jesus gave it ALL!

So, the blog has been neglected the last 2 weeks basically because I have failed at my commitments. My commitment to working out, my commitment to losing weight, and my commitment to this blog. Once again, LIFE got in the way. My parents (who are part of the VILLAGE that helps raise my 3 children) were out of town for a few days, so our schedule was wacky, then I started not feeling well, only to find out that I had strep throat! 2+ days of being totally miserable, then 2+ more days of just feeling bad, and things were REALLY behind. Add to that, I think I had a mild reaction to the antibiotics I am on (Can I give THAT up for Lent? Antibiotics?) which left me feeling foggy and groggy and with a headache, which turned into a migraine on Sunday, and yesterday, I finally started to feel almost normal again. I have ONE MORE pill to take this afternoon and I will have completed my 10 day course of antibiotics! I am WELL again! So, this season of sacrifice is a good day to start over, I believe!

On the upside, during ALL of that, I MAINTAINED my weight again! For that, I am grateful! It’s nice to start out in the same place I left off, instead of having to take 2 steps (or more) backwards! So, here’s to SACRIFICE! What are you going to sacrifice this season?

One week to go :/

I remember reading a post somewhere (Facebook, I think – on the OKC LifeChurch page, maybe) on the first day of the fast where someone new to the Daniel fast asked what the hardest day was.  A few people said day 3 (which was a good day for me) and some said the last few.  I even had a dear friend text me on day 3 and tell me day 3 was always her hardest.  My husband shared this with me this morning from his 21 day reading plan at youversion.com that corresponds with the fast: Even though you may feel like you're in a groove now, for many this final week will be harder than the others. Ask God to search you and begin to shine a light on all the dark corners of your heart. Ask Him to use this last week to refine you and cleanse you.  I’m almost frustrated that he shared that with me.  Power of suggestion seems to go a long way with me.  Now that I’ve read that, I already have it in my head that this week is going to be tough. 

But, if someone asked ME what my hardest day was, I would have to say WEEKENDS!  When I am at work during the week, there is no food around (typically) besides what I bring with me and I have a cold water dispenser in my office.  So, my work environment is easy to control.  All 3 of my kids eat breakfast and lunch at their respective schools, so I don’t even have to prepare other food in the mornings.  I have my Shakeology for breakfast, and come home for lunch with my Daniel fasting husband.  So, it’s just dinner that we have to really put a lot of thought into.  We have been making 2 dinner meals, one for us and one for the kids.  Again, not too much of a struggle.  But on the weekends, it’s all kids all the time and all food all the time.  And it's not just about the food.  They demand (and require, and I fully want to give) more of my time and attention - and PATIENCE!  We have a 3 year old boy that is a bottomless pit and his favorite foods are pizza, Doritos, Cheetos and Cheez-its.  And twin 8 year old girls who eat much better than our son does, but still love to have candy and snacks around all the time.  While they have been very good and very supportive of our time, we have tried to make their food lives comfortable for them as well.  We usually eat “out” after church on Sundays – for a many reasons; most of which relate to speed or convenience. Yesterday, that turned into a trip to Little Caesars for a $5 pizza, and they wanted “Silly Bread (Crazy Bread) and sauce too.  I smelled that all the way home.  And was SO JEALOUS!  Add to that the Donuts served at church at the 8:30 service, the granola bars, oatmeal to go bars and blueberry muffins at the 10:00 and 11:30, and yesterday was a HARD day for me!  (We were Host Team leaders for all 3 services, so we were at church all morning.)  There was still left-over pizza at dinner time, and I was ready to quit.  But, I prayed, turned to my fabulous husband for support, and persevered.  ONE MORE WEEKEND TO GO!

Reflecting on that, I realize that I really do need to turn it all over to God.  This is His design and His plan, I’m just enjoying the journey.  There will be times in my life when I am tested for many reasons, and passing this test just goes to show me that I CAN DO IT!  I’m not alone.  I have God on my side, Jesus to pray to, my husband to keep me grounded, and my blog world to pour it all out to!  AMEN!

Weekend musings

So, I‘ve been thinking a lot about this post that I read. Making it all about the food and the recipes, instead of about denying your self in order to be closer to your One who mad you. I see the author’s point, but I am so glad my husband also shared this thought with me from his youversion.com reading plan on Friday: Food is a source of comfort for many. Reflect on how much your thoughts have been overtaken with craving certain foods, missing the things you're fasting from, or even how much weight you could lose. Is it often? If it were alcohol or a harmful drug, would you consider yourself addicted if you were this consumed with your desire for them? For many, this fast can begin an awareness of a harmful place food may have in your life. It can reveal an addiction. Pray that the God of compassion and all comfort will become your primary source of comfort. Ask Him to use this experience with suffering to remove anything in your life that has taken the Holy Spirit's place as your Comforter. (From day 12; He is doing the 21 day plan that corresponds with the fast.)

So, I have been praying about my revelations and my thoughts on fasting and food and my body.  I still see this fast as a jumping off point for a better life; more discipline, more planning, more being HEALTHY and accountable.  I have learned SO MUCH about my own will power and about food.  Things I didn’t realize, or just simply ignored.  So, I think a fast can do both.  It can be a little bit about the food, while still being about growing closer to God.  If those are the things God wants to reveal to you during this time of growth, then how can that be wrong?

I guess I am feeling a little convicted about the things from that original post.  While I get what the author was saying, I am a “there are 2 sides to every coin” kind of gal, and I can see the other side SO CLEARLY now!

10 Days to go!

When I started this journey, I thought when I got to this point I would be pining for then end.  But I’m not.  I just passed the halfway point.  This is day 12.  Counting today, I have 10 more days of fasting.  It almost doesn’t seem like enough!

Let me explain.  It’s not about the food.  It’s not even really about denying myself.  It’s about strength.  And self-revelation.  And leaning on the Almighty God!  Seeing what God wants to show me; hearing what He wants me to hear.  I will admit, I am a bit of a control freak.  But for several years, one thing has controlled me – and I let it.  I said “I can’t” and “It will never work” and “I have 3 kids…” and on and on and on.  All excuses.  All not the way God wanted me to be living.  All weak and foolish.  I have learned SO MUCH over the past 2 weeks.  I am not weak.  God wants me to be strong.  God wants to use me, a HEALTHY me.  I need to take care of me to be able to take care of the rest of my family and to do His work.  I FEEL so much better. Physically, of course, but emotionally and spiritually, too.  I feel like I can walk taller and I can find joy in the little things.  Things that were starting to get lost.

I love that at 6:00am every morning, 2 computers in this house are tuned to youversion.com and we are starting our day immersed in the Word.  I love that we can share what we’ve learned with each other since we are doing different reading plans.   I love that we are being creative with dinner since we still have 3 kids to feed!  I told the girls last night when they were begging to go out to dinner that they were on a fast, too – from restaurant food!  We ate out TOO MUCH.  This fast is a jump start to change our lives – I can feel it!  Since we’re not constantly trying to scramble for meals, there’s more time to just hang out as a family at home.  Play Wii, read books, clean the house, enjoy each other’s company.  We’re saving money, too since we’re not eating the quantity of food that we normally do – another great habit being formed.

So, the end seems almost a negative event.  I want to keep starting my day in the word, learning more, eating better, saving money, and having more time at home.  I feel like the fast is my armor, in a sense.  I am in here doing this now, but will it continue when the 21 days is over?  That is my prayer for today.  That the habits gained and the lessons learned will continue for me and my family.  It will continue to be a battle, and there will still be good days and bad ones too, but the experiences gleaned from this season will keep us on track.  That, as a family, we will be ALL IN for Christ in 2011!

Back to Normal?

Today is Thursday- day 4 of the fast.  I still think I am doing well.  Today, my family routine for the New Year SHOULD be getting back to normal.  We picked up the girls from their other dad last evening, and they go back to school today after a 2 week holiday break.  Extra-curricular activities start again, too.  Everyone, including the 3 year old, went to bed on time last night, so that’s a good start to normal, right?

Yesterday, my husband attended a funeral with my mom and I.  It was a very long, very emotional double service for a high school classmate of mine and his wife.  They were killed in a tragic car accident on Christmas Eve, leaving their 8 month old daughter an orphan.  The husband was also a friend of mine in college, serving as a house boy for my sorority , which his older sister and mother were members of, and I, along with my mother, are active alums with.  There were easily 500-600 people there.  It was intense.  And sad.  So, I am not sure I would have eaten much yesterday, anyway.  I worked from 8-12, then at noon, my husband, mother and I met at my house to go to the church, so no one had lunch.  But again, food was replaced with prayer, and my God provided strength to get through that painful afternoon.

The evening turned out much happier.  We had our GIRLS back and the house was alive with giggling 8 year olds!  We made Daniel fast baked potatoes for dinner, and watched Minute to Win It as family.  I think the thing that surprises me most about this fast is my headaches!  I am not having any cravings, I don’t feel deprived, but I had a bad headache again last night!  And my husband wasn’t feeling very well at all, complaining about his head.  I had a dear friend text me and ask how it was going - saying day 3 was always her worst day.  Amazingly, I would say my day 3 was 100x better than my day 2!

So, pressing on.  Today presents new challenges with having to feed all 3 of my kids dinner, and the crazy busy-ness of being a parent of 3 active kids is fully restored.  I love music and find worship to be a very satisfying part of my walk.  Today, the song that keeps playing in the background of my head is "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus." The chorus is so touching: "Turn your eyes upon Jesus, Look full in His wonderful face, And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,In the light of His glory and grace."  (Hebrews 12:2) So true after yesterday and as I journey through this fast.

Thankfully, I feel like my emotions are holding up during this season, so I will keep praying for that, but I can also pray for more patience as I know this will get harder with a full house.

Day 3 – Fast

First off, I want to explain a little about our fast.  My husband and I are doing what is known as a Daniel fast.  Its basically a vegan diet – fruits, vegetables, water, nuts, juice, whole grains. (See www.daniel-fast.com/ for more info.)  The purpose of the fast is to have a spiritual experience where you deepen your relationship with Jesus and seek answers through prayer while growing in knowledge of the bible and God.  So, we are eating, just not like we used to, and definitely not as much.  I have never been a big meat eater, but I knew I would miss dairy and sugar.  And Diet Coke.  We rarely had it in the house, but I would drink it when we went out to eat, and I would stop at the convenience store and have one a few times a week.  I haven’t had any real “cravings” since we started, but I knew I would have withdrawals.

Everything was really going well with the whole process.  I haven’t strayed from the plan food wise, and I have definitely been seeking God more.  I haven’t struggled with hunger or thirst; haven’t questioned why I am doing this.  I have had a few people stop by my office or message me and ask how I was doing, and honestly, I could say I was doing well and actually enjoying what I am learning.

Until yesterday afternoon, that is.  While I can still say I am not struggling with food or hunger, I was definitely sick yesterday.  I started noticing a headache around noon.  I figured it was from caffeine withdrawal, and I wanted to just deal with it and not take any medication.  By 3pm, I was really hurting.  I left work at 4:30, picked my son up from day care, and came home to plant myself on the couch.  I dozed on and off until my husband got home about 5:20.  I told him my head was killing me and I felt nauseous – my typical migraine symptoms.  He told me his head was hurting earlier and he and taken some ibuprofen.  I asked if it helped and he said yes, so I asked him to bring me some.  I slept off and on until about 7.  My husband had made me a salad, and some celery with peanut butter, but every time I woke up and smelled it, I wanted to throw up.  I stayed awake until almost 9, when I thought I was dying, and my husband brought me acetaminophen.  Then, I was out for the night.  I woke up at 1:30 and felt amazingly better!  And for me, that’s about how a migraine goes!  This one was shorter than usual – and I attribute that to the praying I did while I was conscious.  And the prayers of everyone walking this journey with me.

So, here it is day 3.  I feel pretty good considering what I went through yesterday.  I am going to start today of right and keep moving forward.  I can’t wait to see what God reveals to me today!