Hugs and Handshakes

Well, it’s over. The funeral, that is. The people came – from EVERYWHERE, and there were lots of them! It was beautiful. The flowers were amazing, the order of service was perfect, the songs were moving, the speakers poignant, powerful, and even amusing at times. We all got to know Brian a little better over the past week, and that was expressed perfectly through the service.  His life meant so much to those of us closest to him, and to share that with others was an important part of telling him goodbye.

Sunday was really a nice day. It was still hard, but I went to bed satisfied that I had done all I could do, and I was pleased with the outcome. I survived church, without too much heartache. I actually never saw our volunteer coordinator (who is ½ my size) that literally held me up last week. I saw her husband, but since we were there as attendees and not volunteers, our paths just didn’t cross. The message (as always) was directed right to me, and I really enjoyed the worship set. It was just what I needed! My parents came, too, so it was as if things were right, even if it was just for one hour. Emma and Lara liked showing off the new feathers in their hair, and I enjoyed telling my Mommy friends that I didn’t pay salon prices for those, I ordered them off the dang ole internet and did it myself for a fraction of the price! After church, a group of relatives arrived from Kansas, and we had lunch at Mexico Joe’s. That afternoon, family gathered at my parents’ house, we had a sandwich dinner, then shortly after 6 we headed for the funeral home.

We greeted guests at the funeral home from 6:30 to 8:30. It was precious. Several of Brian’s childhood friends were there, my parents’ longtime friends, relatives, Stillwater residents, and KIDS. I had my 3, my cousin from New York City had her 6 month old son and my cousin from Kansas had her 4 month old son. It was refreshing. Even my childhood best friend and her parents came, too. It was sad, it was tearful, and it was perfect. The video (which will be posted soon) was playing in the main receiving living room are of the funeral home, as well as in the room where Brian’s casket was. I think everyone enjoyed seeing his life in pictures. There were tears, smiles, laughter, memories, stories, hugs, handshakes, and healing.

That night my house was full. The Twisters shared one twin bed in their room, while a cousin slept in the other twin bed in their room. Another cousin (sister of the first) slept in Jake’s twin bed with a pack and play set up in the room for her 4 month old son. My son’s dreams came true as he got to sleep in the king bed in our room smack dab between Britt and me. (He had some kid of dream at 3:30 am and it caused his body to jerk really hard, then he reached out and grabbed me – startled me so bad I had a hard time going back to sleep!) We had to coordinate showers for 8 people to make sure we were all ready for Monday’s activities, but it was GREAT to feel the house so alive.

Monday morning, we got up and got everyone around. Britt made biscuits and gravy, I got to hold the baby A LOT, and my kids did the best they could to be good in a chaotic situation. I had a tiny shoe emergency, and at 9:30 one cousin and I went in town to shop and get me some shoes. By 11, we had all made it out to my parents’ house. The parents of the 2 cousins at my house were staying with my parents. While we were there, more family members showed up, and we enjoyed talking, sharing and taking pictures and trying to be strong before it was time to head to the church.

I want to thank the people of First Baptist Church for the lunch. Not only was the food delicious and served with love, the room was decorated so nicely and everyone was so kind and helpful. When we first got there, Brother Tim Walker (pastor) had a few things to go over with Britt and I as far as the services were concerned, and then we received more family and ate our lunch while talking about my brother and the events of this week.

The service itself it always beyond words. It was so beautiful, and so perfect. We sang “He Lives” as a congregation, my sweet friend Beth sang “It Is Well” a capella, we heard “I Can Only Imagine” by Mercy me with the video, and “Cry Out to Jesus” by Third Day at the end. There was a time for people to come up and speak, so I started that off. I reflected a little about my brother and the ways I am going to miss him, and I shared a sweet message a sorority sister of mine sent to me. Then, I read a Brian Ricker Top Ten of sorts that were memories from a college friend who could not attend. One of the pall bearers got up and spoke about the Brian he knew from high school. It was so touching – the whole thing.

The front row started like this: Me, Britt, Jake, Lara, Emma, Brian’s ex-wife, his daughter, Kayleigh, my mom, my dad, his sister Shelley, and I think my grandma and her husband ( I couldn’t see down that far). And I was so lucky to have my cousin Jane from New York right behind me in the next pew – it was a great comfort to feel her hand reach out and touch me several times during the service. Jake pretty quickly migrated down to sit by his favorite cousin and fellow 4 year old, Kayleigh, and my girls ended up down there at some point as well – Emma was on a lap (I think my dad’s) for quite a while too. I mention all this because of how adorable and sweet it was to watch Jake and Kayleigh act, react, and interact during the service. During the video they were gasping and pointing saying, “Look! There’s me!” and “Look, there’s your Daddy” or “There’s Uncle Brian.” They were so excited! They took the offering envelopes and wrote each other notes and drew pictures for the adults near them. They talked and smiled and were just plain precious. We did remind them to be quiet a couple of times – once during a prayer, but they were doing the best 2 energetic 4 year old who haven’t seen each other in a while can be. I just remember looking down the row and thinking “There shouldn’t have to be babies at a funeral.”

The graveside portion of the service was wonderful as well. Aside from the 92 degree temperature. One pall bearer from the state of Washington, 2 from Colorado – I bet they thought they were melting. The preacher spoke a few words and Beth led the group in “Amazing Grace.” The family received guests, and then the crowd started to disperse. My courageous, smart, curious and tenacious 4 year old was determined to see the casket lowered in to the ground. During the last few minutes out at the site, both my husband and my father had asked the funeral director if we could stay for that, and he kind off brushed us off saying they usually did that after everyone left. But, I also think he didn’t want to see my son throw a fit, so I asked one more time, and they let us stay and watch. Jake was FASCINATED, and once he was satisfied, we headed home.

I think one of the most interesting observations I’ve had over the last few days – aside from the adorable way Jake and Kayleigh act together – was that hugs are much like handshakes. I’ve never been much of a hugger. Close friends, family, and of course my husband and kids. But, I have received, WELCOMED even, many hugs over this past week. And hugs come in all shapes and sizes. I even got an amazing full on frontal squeeze from a noted “side hugger” who will remain nameless that really made my day yesterday! Some people hold you, some people pat you, some people are in and out in a few seconds, some take hold and want to never let go. Some squeeze, some just barely touch, but they all LOVE. Thank you so much for all the hugs (and handshakes) we have received. And, all the love.

I can only imagine

People have said that to us a lot over the last few days.  As in, “I can only imagine what you are going through” and “I can only imagine how hard this is for you.”  When I hear this phrase, I always think of the Mercy Me song (see below).   “I can only imagine When all I will do Is forever  Forever worship You I can only imagine…”  And that song means so much to my husband and I – we both tear up every time we hear it.  And now is no different!  I love this song so much; I have chosen to use it for the background music for the slide show I am preparing today for the funeral on Monday.  I have also written the obituary (remember how I said my spiritual gift is administration?  Yeah…) and I hope to post it to my blog this afternoon.

I forgot to mention that while at his employer’s office Monday, we learned that Brian had never designated a beneficiary on either his employer provided life insurance policy or his supplemental life insurance policy. WHAT?!?!?!?  If you, dear reader, have life insurance, I am imploring you NOW to make sure the beneficiaries are listed, and they are CURRENT!  Britt just checked on ours, and mine is good, but he needs to change his.  We already knew my brother didn’t have a will (Britt and I don’t either, but we will at least have a signed letter by the end of the week and a will by the end of the month!), but the life insurance fiasco was news to us.  I see FAIL written all over the HR department on that one!  So, due to not having a will and life insurance issues, this whole experience just become even harder, as we will have to go into probate and there are LOTS of questions and issues to be settled.

Tuesday and Wednesday really went by in a blur.  On Tuesday morning, I somehow managed to get my kids up, talk to them about why Daddy and I were gone for 2 days, what we knew (and didn’t know) about Uncle Brian’s death, AND get them all to school relatively on time.  Later that morning my mom, dad, husband and I met for over 2 hours with the funeral director at Strode Funeral Home.  Do you have any idea how much it SUCKS to pick out caskets, liners, flower arrangements, those little pamphlet things (they have a name it escapes me with a million other things these days), the verse to be printed in there and all the other things that have to be done for a funeral?  (Sorry, Mom, I know you hate the work sucks, but it does…)  And, BTW, I think I have a new business venture to pursue once I can breathe again.  The cover art for said “pamphlet thingies” that we had to pick from was HIDEOUS!  I get that most people die old and they like floral prints that look old, or whatever, but it was torture to pick one for a strong, vibrant young man like my brother.  I think I embarrassed everyone with me by all the remarks and gagging sounds…

After a nice lunch at Mexico Joe’s (where we ran into our first friends since we had been back in town), we all went back to my parents’ house.  That afternoon we spent more time making lists, thinking, planning, organizing, and of course crying.  The funeral director had told us at that point Brian’s body had been “released” from the county morgue in Texas, but had not been transported back to Stillwater – that was to be done either late Tuesday night or Wednesday morning.  My mom was ready for him to be OUT of Texas.  We knew the funeral home was in the process, but it just seemed so slow.  At one point in the afternoon, my folks had gone over to my grandmother’s house, Britt was running some errands and picking the girls up from school, and I was supposed to be writing the obituary.  I was completely alone for the first time in DAYS.  While the silence felt nice at first, I was glad to be watching the clock and knowing that Britt and my girls would be back soon.  It was nice to reflect and cry alone, and I got most of the obituary written, but hearing those Twisters burst through the door was a DELIGHTFUL sound!

Tuesday night Britt and I were scheduled to go to a banquet dinner, even had my parents set up to babysit, but at the last minute we backed out.  I didn’t want to get dressed up, and neither of us wanted to leave our kids.  So, we ate the tons of yummy food that friends had brought to my parents’ house, and played with our kids, and worked on finding pictures, tweaking the obituary, and enjoying our family.

Wednesday morning, everyone had decided to try to have a normal morning.  Mom and Dad went to work.  Britt went to work.  Emma and Lara walked to school.  I was planning on dropping Jake off at day care, then going to training at work (as to not fall behind on my certificate course work).  But, God had other plans.  And this all led to another sad tweet from me:

You see, when I got to the day care, the adorable 4 and 5 year olds were all dressed for Spring picture day.  Not Jake. He was in the T-shirt he had slept in the night before and basketball shorts and had the WORST cowlick ever.  On the mad dash home to find him better clothes (and hair product), my cell phone rang – indicating the girls’ elementary school.  It was Emma; she had forgotten her ADHD meds – and she really needs them.  I told her to wait for me, I would be right there.  When I finally got home, the shirt I wanted for Jake was nowhere to be found!  Long story short – Emma did get her meds and get to class on time; Jake’s shirt was found and ironed and his cowlick tamed mere MOMENTS before his turn to get pictures; I missed my training.  But, I got to have a long chat with a longtime friend and fellow believer, and it really brightened my day.  God is SO GOOD!

Yesterday afternoon I found out that my brother’s body had made it back to Oklahoma and was at Strode Funeral Home, which was good news.  The bad news?  The body is completely un-viewable.  Not only by the public, but even for the family.  I will spare my readers the gory details, but just know we feel a grave injustice has been done to us.  And we have to request a copy of the autopsy report in writing from the Tarrant county Medical examiner’s office, so I mailed that yesterday.  Who knows how long before we actually get our hands on the document - which may or may not provide answers.

 At 2:30 the 4 of us met at the church to meet with the pastor and go over the service for Brian.  My mom told the Pastor lots of Brian stories, and deferred all planning and note taking to me (again, Administration…).  We all enjoyed describing Brian to Pastor Tim and helping him get to know Brian a little bit better.  We spent a lot of time talking about Brian’s scouting activities and his high school shenanigans.  As well as talking about his precious daughter and the times he’s shared with her over the past 4 years.  We picked songs, order of service, discussed pall bearers, and felt a sense of finality by making these decisions.  We still need to pick a few bible verses to share, and I am going to research and see if there is any Boy Scout ritual for a funeral as well.

We tried to make yesterday as normal for my kids as possible – after lots of chaos and missed appointments and lessons, etc. for the past few days.  After school, the girls got haircuts – I wanted them to look nice for all you out of towners!  ;)  Then, I sent my poor, sweet, DILIGENT and dutiful husband to Wal*Mart (or Best Buy) to purchase a 500 Mb portable external hard drive.  He looked like a deer in headlights when I tried to tell him what I needed.  I told him to ask where they were, then call and read the boxes to me.  Luckily, he only had 2 to pick from at the Wal Marts, and it was any easy decision as the other one had 1 terabyte of memory, and I’ll NEVER need that much!  After all our errands were run, we gathered back at my parents’ house to eat more of the delicious food we have been blessed with, then the Five Dream weavers were off to LifeChurch!  Konnect and Little LifeKids for the Little Weavers, and LifeGroup with our closest friends for the Mister and I.  We knew we would find lots of friends in the lobby when we dropped the kids off and picked them up later, and we were not disappointed.  What a GREAT time of fellowship and food.  I love my LifeGroup and my church!

Today is Thursday and my goal for today is the slide show.  Mom has a pile of pictures at her house I will go pick up soon and start scanning.  She and my dad have gone to Lewisville to tie up some more loose ends today, and will be back tonight.  Britt is at work, Jake’s at day care and the Twisters are at school.  I am home alone, in desperate need of a shower, and about to tackle another job in honor of my brother.  I’ll get to rest soon, right?  Yes!  And in the arms of Jesus, no less!  I can ONLY imagine!